Hi guys! I've been invited to share a guest post...and I'm beyond honored to do so! I love reading this blog (and I so dig the Buffy references) and I hope you don't mind that I'm such a lurker around these parts. Okay! I don't know what else to say...
I found this ...thing...on FB under a friend's notes and here are my thoughts on....
50 Things She Wishes You Knew Universal truths that all men should--but don't—understand
1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count. Hmmmmm. I would probably prefer that the first time you say the 3 oh-jeezy-this-is-serious words during a time unrelated to sex, I guess. But, if the mood seems right, and your motives are true, sure, whatever.
2. Real men drive stick shift. Really? Is this...what? Is this really something? Aren't most cars...NOT stick shift? I DON'T GET THIS ONE.
3. I will leave if you lie. I mean. Everyone lies. It really depends on the lie...
4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts). I can't think of anyone who wears those....I know my SimLady wore one and she looked bangin of course, so...maybe.
5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so. Actually, yes. Ugh. I obsessed about this one before I ever got my period, before I ever had sex.
6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear. Sometimes? I guess I like hugs in general. BUT SOMETIMES WHISPERS TICKLE AND I WILL SQUIRM. capslock!
7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look. But but what if it's said like, "How do I look?" "Damnnnnn fiiiiiinnnnneee" or "Foooooiiinne". In any case, I appreciate being told I look fine.
8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you. Nope, Nope and Nope. i mostly fantasize about figuring out the perfect perfect way of telling someone off. My fantasies are usually rage-fueled. Also, what...am I supposed to be dreaming about TheBoy in the literally 8 hours out of 24 I don't see him? I'm okay actually!
9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her. Not really. I quite like her. And even the parts I don't like, i can avoid i think.
10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you. Nope. My lady parts remain dry. Also I don't get love e-mails a lot? But even if we consider this a text instead of an email...Nope, nope, nope. Still not turned on.
11. I expect you to call me. Nah...I mean, if you SAY you're going to, yes. But otherwise...I'll hit you up or you'll hit me up, we'll meet somewhere in the middle.
12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants. Mmm, Slash (guitarist of Guns n Roses....I have a love for him that cannot be denied.) That is my only response. Slash and i can escape to an island! in my dreams! (see I fantasize about Slash, still!) Oh, I guess, I don't think leathuuuuhhh pants are that great. And aren't they easy to ruin? OH GOD I WOULD RUIN YOUR EXPENSIVE PANTS!!! DON'T GET THEM! But, ya know, if you wanna rock it, go for it? ...I will try not to think of you as Slash. mmmm.
13. I'm scared of losing my independence. Nope, cuz i have no intention of doing that.
14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be. Eh...It's hard to be a good judge of that?
15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.
Maybe! Depends on the sitch! Also, I don't need shoes...But, a good joke would make my frown turn UPSIDE DOWN. But again, if you're a sexist asshole or if you annoy me to the moon and back, please don't try to buy me shoes, take off my pants, joke-a-thon. Let's talk instead?
16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.) I know the answer to this! I should be more assertive when I'm angry! And so should you
17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm... a.) ...having a fat day. b.) ...not feeling "connected" to you. c.) ...blackmailing you to get something I want. I don't blackmail! And not with sex if I did! And a "fat day"? Jeeze. This one is full of fail.
18. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not. I AM SO UNFASHIONABLE.
19. I like to be touched. yes! True! Touches! Well. Sometimes not! But mostly, touching is okay and thanks! Though, please stop if I say, "I AM TOO TICKLISH RIGHT NOW!" or "I am not feeling well!" or "No touches TODAY, goodsir!"
20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing. OR: Please laugh because...what?!? I wishhhhh I had a kangaroo pouch...
21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies. Argh, I hate when people buy things for me sometimes...I mean, I guess that's cute though...And I do like impromptu getaways and dates...as long as I am consulted about them?
22. You look hot in hooded clothing items. Sure? I mean...yes? I guess? Sometimes? Actually i prefer hooded shirts but then the hood is never put on. YYyyyyyeah.
23. You should never tell me what to do. AGREED. I will most definitely DO THE OPPOSITE. Also, tell you to CUTTHATSHITOUT.
24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast. Nope, but thanks if you do make it!
25. jealousy can be sexy, and a huge turn-on. NOPE. Not at all. I cannot stress this enough.
26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes. Unless I don't like you? And then I won't. So...keep that in mind?
27. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice. No, because my advice is banging. Therefore I think it's normal. Jesus.
28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead. UGH. Failure.
29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color. I guess. Again, I AM UNFASHIONABLE.
30. I want to be Madonna. ...Sometimes! But sometimes, not so much! can I just hug her?
31. yes, we think about sex, just not 24 hours a day. Not that guys do. Because that is ridiculous. HOW WOULD ANYONE GET ANYTHING DONE?!!? But yes, it's true, and imagine that, how crazy is that! not at all crazy.
32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand. Turns out, I have not died and then my soul did not soar to heaven. But, it's nice? I GUESS.
33. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby. a. Nope, I am worried when people put sharp things up to their faces b. Eh, I wouldn't say sexy? You're probably cursing and I'm probably bored. 3. Sure? I mean...depends? 4. No....why...would that be? 5. Ha! Is that sexual? Ha! I will never look at a peach-eating man in the same way again! I will ask TheBoy to eat peaches tonight! And then laugh! unless it's not sexual...
6. Not sexy....but it is nice when you're good with kids. I guess? I mean, don't be an ass to kids!
34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now. or whenever YOU feel like it. Please don't feel pressured.
35. Surprises, not necessarily presents = more loving. I do like to be surprised! But sometimes surprises are terrible! and then they do not = more loving. Also, I cannot be pressured into giving more loving by more surprises!
36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this. I should WORK on being the best thing that ever happened to you. Also, I AM NOT A THING. Also, whatever. This is tripe.
37. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking.... Or I'll tell you .
38. Discussion of ex-gf's and ex-bf's should be avoided at all times. If it's relevant, talk about it? Whatever.
39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself. Sure, minus the last part bc it's stupid.
40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points. I have never celebrated an anniversary! que lastima
41. I love it when you're sweaty. I am ambivalent or wishing you were less sweaty.
42. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas. Or, your brain!
43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses. But a woman should be ignored? And what if I don't want kisses!
44. I like porn. I used to watch it for amusement value? But then I decided it made me sad...And now...I don't know. I kind of want to watch the Big Lebowski themed porn. Whatever. But cool points for saying that ladies like the sex stuff...
45. I love it when you hold me tightly, but like I’m fragile. HOLD ME AS TIGHT AS POSSIBLE. Because then I will be competitive and try to beat you! in hugs! Yeah!
46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public. Edit: Some girls like hushed dirty talk in public. Other girls don't. You should respect that decision?
47. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read... If you are taking a shit, IT IS CHEATING.
48. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat. But, if I don't feel loved and i start looking, different story, eh eh?
49. I remember everything about our relationship. FOR I AM A ROBOT. beep.
50. I like to be picked up, even though I tell I don’t. NO NO NO NO NO NO. I HATE IT. SO FUCKING MUCH. LISTEN TO THE WORDS THAT COME OUT OF MY MOUTH. NO.
Okay! Thanks for the opportunity! Many returns of the day.