Scuse me while I laugh for 20 minutes straight.

So I was reading this article today on Shakesville and went to the website to check it out.  I got bored pretty quickly, despite the repeated use of phrases like "the black gaping gap" and...no, wait, I just lost interest again.  This is 'Esquire;' I can't remember whether or not it involves actual porn or just porny shots, so I click on 'Women,' and then "13 Sex Secrets Men Don't Know About Women."

Ha.  Oh, ha ha.  I'll just deconstruct, shall I?

1.) Women don't like explosions, in art or in life.

Excuse me?  I love a good explosion!  Killer Klowns From Outer Space wouldn't have been the same without that ice cream truck blowing up in a fiery fireball.  Of course, the best kind of explosion is the sort you walk away from slowly without a backward glance.  Anyway, the take-home lesson here is EXPLOSIONS ARE GREAT.

Women aren't as funny as men. We're often cleverer, frequently wittier, but to be really funny demands a certain clownishness that our grace just does not allow. It's fine, really it is.

Excuse me?  What?  What planet did you grow up on?  What?  What?  Teh sexisms!  They're great for everyone.  Ladies are graceful and unfunny!  Men are oafish louts!  But it's ok!

We grow pathetic goatees and look awful in cargo shorts anyway.

Is this in the wrong article?  I've tried to grow a pathetic goatee at least twelve times and have come up hairless twelve for twelve.  Naturally, this saddens me.  Also, can't I wear cargo shorts without goatees?  Mostly WHAT IS GOING ON HERE.

Women are aware of about 10 percent of the things men actually think and say about us. Best to keep it under five.

According to whom?  The author?  Who is a woman, who is magically telepathic with all men and therefore knows everything women miss?  'Best to keep it under five?'  Is that encouraging guys to not communicate?

Women love to be taken out to eat. It makes our day.

Oh, except for all those ones who get pissed off unless we're splitting the bill, or those ladeez who don't like to or can't eat in public, or those ladeez who don't like to be 'taken' anywhere but will go where we damn well please.

A clean apartment will get you more tail than you'd think.

That's right!  The only thing women appreciate about men is...neatness?  Whut?

Given the chance, women will smell and re-smell the scented-candle display at the store. We really can do this for ages.

Except the ones who hate scented candles, or the ones who get migraines from smelling scented candles, or the ones who can't smell at all, or the ones who smell one candle and say 'Now, really, that's quite enough!' or the ones who are unfortunate enough to smell That Red One first and subsequently can't smell anything less odorous than a skunk for an hour, or the ones who avoid the malodorous candle display at all costs at all times....

Our clothes are complicated, our shoes unforgiving, and our constitutions delicate, so please, valet park.

I'm fragile, Mister, just like any girl would be / And so misunderstood!  So treat me de-li-cate-ly!
Oh, my delicate constitution!  Excuse me while I swoon over here!  It's probably the shoes!  And maybe this corset!  The important thing is that if you don't pay somebody to park your car for you I'll probably just DIE.  Of pain.


Every living woman likes wedding crap. Even lesbians.

'Even lesbians?'  Because, what, lesbians are only borderline women?  Because 'even lesbians' sometimes marry?  Also, bad news you guys, I think I'm a vampire or something -- I'm apparently some kind of undead.

"Girls night out" is usually some other woman's idea.

Yeah, I swear, I hate spending nights with all my bffs!  It's just the worst.  Really.

Oftentimes, women simply want to lie back and get laid.

'Lie back and get laid?'  Ur doin it rong!

One orgasm is usually enough.

Again, a massive ur doin it rong to this one.  One?  Really?  ONE?  Please, for the love of Lady Gaga, check out Toys in Babeland asap.

Women would rather be with you. We like you. Honestly, we talk about you all the time.

Rather be with you, as opposed to...volunteering in China?  Having a bubble bath?  Playing with cats?  Oh, I can think of examples.  Don't make me pull out my examples!

 Most importantly, I think the question we're all asking ourselves is What the fuck does this have to do with sex?  Advertised: 13 Sex Secrets?  How is 'Women aren't funny like men are lololol!' in any way connected to sex?  Or cargo shorts?  Or valet parking?  WHAT IS GOING ON HERE.  Also, heterosexism for teh win!  I protest!  Loudly!  Now tell me what I missed.